The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being a Death Eater
by Ryah Ignis
Summary: Voldemort calls Bellatrix Bellawobbles? Lucius has a fear of bunnies? The Malfoys own a bus? Snape is a professional latte maker? Since when? Join the death eaters, if you dare!
1. Chapter 1

Greetings new Death Eater,

Congratulations on making the cut. If you did not make the cut, I sent my pet snake to tell you. I am not responsible for what my pet did to you. If she bit you, you're dead. If she hugged you, you are also dead. She's a loving snake. Whoops, I got off topic. Wormtail? Are you writing everything I say? Oh. He's my awful intern. I can't type, so he's doing it for me. Anyway, the following are instructions on how to become an official Death Eater. Mudbloods need not apply.

1: Bring me a latte

2: Beg eternal servitude [If I do not kill you, please proceed to step 3]

3: Prune your family tree of Mudbloods [Do not forget gardening gloves]

4: Return to the help desk where you will receive a complimentary coffee from our expert chef, Snape.

5: Thank him for the coffee [Failure to do so usually results in death]

6: Come to my office on the 1,463rd floor.

7: The elevator is broken so take the stairs.

8: The elevator works, but only Nagini and I are permitted to ride it.

9: The reason behind this rule is that Lucius's hair got caught in the elevator door. Nagini and I don't have any hair, so this does not bother us.

10: Come see me. I will ask you to fill out the application form that can be found on page 2 of your Death Eater Manual.

11: I will send you back downstairs. Nagini will be accompanying you down the elevator, so you are allowed to ride it. Don't worry, hair extensions will be provided.

12: Show the form to Wormtail.

13: He will tell you to stand on the very narrow but very clearly marked trapdoor outside Snape's Latte Hut.

14: The only reason that Crabbe and Goyle are Death Eaters is because they did not fit down the aforementioned trapdoor.

15: Wormtail will open the trapdoor or let you go back up to see me based on the results.

16: Under th4e trapdoor is my basilisk's mother-in-law.

17: You cannot use the elevator because Nagini has already left.

18: Once you come to me I will smile. And preform and evil laugh.

19: You are expected to applaud.

20: I will give you the Dark Mark.

Why do you believe you are what I am looking for?_

Do you own bunny slippers? Yes/No

If you do, will you give them to me? Yes/No

Oh yeah. What's your name? _

Is one of your family members a Death Eater? Yes/No

Does that said death eater have greasy black hair? Yes/No

Does that said Death Eater have the most luxurious blonde hair in the Death Eater Organization? Yes/No {Lucius? Did you break into my test again?}

Do you own a fancy cane? Yes/No {It can be an expensive one that has magical properties and have your wand concealed in it or it could be a stick like the one Snape secretly practices with in his room}  
Are you a pureblood? Yes/No

Are you a half-blood and ashamed? Yes/No

Mudbloods, again, need not apply.

How expensive were your last hair extensions [this means you, Lucius]_

Can you spell Voldemort? Yes/No

Can you fit through a trapdoor? Yes/No

Do you know proper elevator safety? Yes/No

Are you a spy? Yes/No

Do you plan on becoming one? Yes/No

Are you bald? Yes/No [I'm the bald one!]

Do you know where you can buy wigs? Yes/No If yes, where?_

Do you know the Unforgivables? Yes/No [If not so, Bellawobbles—I mean—Wormtail, are you still typing? Bella will teach you.]

Rules

Any good [i.e.: Bad] organization is built on firm rules.

No going on elevator without Nagini or I accompanying you. [Yes, Lucius, you ruined it for everyone]

You must have all items on the list found on page 6 of your Death Eater Manual.

You will not perform any activites found on Moe Snape's infamous How to Annoy Lord Voldemort list. Thanks to Moe for putting that together.

Sickness is not an excuse for not attending meetings.

Neither is kidnapping.

Or funerals

Or weddings

Or your wedding

Or any wedding except in the unlikely event that I get married

You will be expected to attend any and all meetings and Dark Lord weddings unless you are dead or attending your own funeral for some cheap laughs.

Nobody kills the Potter boy but me

Even though you might die in action, I fully expect you to take others down with you.

No one except Nagini enters my room

This is not because of my posters.

No one interrupts Bellawobbles and I on a date.

Failure to Follow These Rules

Going shopping with Narcissa

Babysitting Draco

Babysitting Sirus's raccoon

Helping Sirius's raccoon babysit Sirius

Getting a haircut [This means you, Lucius]

Shampooing [This means you, Snape]

**Feel free to fill out the form that is found in the story in the comments! I'll tell you if you're accepted!**


	2. Chapter 2

A Smart Death Eater's Guide To Shopping!  
By: Narcissa

Welcome, New Death Eater! Your shopping list includes:

Black robes [casual]

Black robes [evil]

Black robes [with bunnies]

Black robes [pajamas, for use at slumber parties]

Wand

Second wand [in case your first one is stolen]

Stick [in case you lose our second wand and you need to scare someone]

Top hat [Don't ask]

Tape recording of our cry [words found on page 7 of your Death Eater Manual]

White gloves

You are not allowed a creepy walking stick unless you have a signed permission slip from Nagini. This is difficult to get to get because she does not have opposable thumbs. Or thumbs at all. Or arms.

Our Cry

We are Death Eaters!  
Morsmodore!

We aren't afraid of Dumbledore!

Okay, maybe just a little

But that doesn't mean we like peanut brittle

We are Death Eaters

Avada Kedavra!

We love to do the cha cha cha!

Except for Snape

Who prefers to wrestle snakes

We are death eaters!

Persificus Totalus!

We prefer cars over the bus!

Harry isn't scary

Draco likes blueberries

We are Death Eaters!  
Help us!

Our leader was run over by a bus

Lucius was driving

Narcissa was whining

And nobody was paying attention!

They slammed on the breaks by still hit him

FAQ's

**Why can't I ride the elevator?**  
See page one of your Death Eater Manual

**Why is the snake allowed?  
**See page one.

**But I really want to ride it.  
**If Nagini or I are with you, you may.

**What if you are defeated by a baby?  
**That's a stupid question

**What if you are run over by a bus?  
**This is very likely, especially if Lucius is driving. Seek medical attention immediately.

**What if that one year old tht you are going to kill next week survives and kills you as a seventeen year old?**

What is with these stupid questions?

**Why did you answer a question with a question?  
**Shut up.

**That's not very nice.  
**Tough.

**Why is there this section? There is no point!**  
Never mind

Bellawobbles's Guide to Torture!

1: Raise your wand.

2: Taunt your victim.  
3: Laugh your manical head off.

4: Point your wand.

5: Ask them politely.  
6: Threaten them with Sirius's raccoon.

7: Scream at them.

8: Throw a temper tantrum

9: Treaten with bunnies [This always works on Lucius]

10: Scream.  
11: Yell at your brother in law.

12: Argue.

13: Shake victim.  
14: Tell them you're serious.

15: Ignore their questions about your Animagus ability.

16: Draw your knife.

17: Wave it in their face.

18: Throw it at a stuffed house-elf.

19: Throw it at real house-elf.

20: Try to strangle them

21: Tell your brother in law to do it.

22: Hope that your boss doesn't kill you.

23: Let your victim escape.

24: Beg for forgivness.

25: Tell him it was all your nephew's fault.

26: Raise your wand.

27: Laugh your maniacal head off. [Why are these two the same as the first two? Because we're crazy!]

28: Your boss will join in.  
29: When all else fails, tickle.

Hoping this helps!  
Trixie


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you so much for all the reviews!**

The Story of What Really Happened on the Bus

One day, out of the blue, Lucius decided that the Malfoy family did not spend enough time together, so he decided to take Narcissa and baby Draco on a drive. He borrowed the Death Eater Association bus from McNair, who had used it last for a family vacation to France. Lucius piled his family into the bus and drove, ignoring the strange looks that he got from Muggles as he randomly switched lanes in his dark black bus with the Dark Mark written on it. On their way to the deli 0.6 miles away, they noticed Voldemort walking across the street to get himself a hoagie. The trouble was, Sirius's pet raccoon was on its way home from wherever it is that raccoons hang out, singing a Christmas carol. The raccoon was very sleepy, having spent all of Saturday evening partying and doing whatever it is raccoons do on Saturday nights. It was halfway across the crosswalk. Sirius, who was coming out of the beauty salon across the street from his pet patting his mustache, cast a trip jinx at the bus when he saw that the raccoon was in danger. However, Lucius had already swerved to avoid the raccoon, so the jinx missed the bus and hit Voldemort instead. He fell forward on to his face. The bus zoomed forward and hit him. Snape, who had also walked out of the beauty salon looking disappointed, Wingardium Leviosa'd the bus into the air and rescued his leader.  
Thus, a new verse to the Death Eater cry was added to the cry, written by Fenrir who actually has quite the singing voice.

The Other Side of the Story.

"I told you to get off at the last exit!" shrieked Mommy as we careened down the street, narrowly missing Dumbledore on his way to buy some groceries.

"And I told you," said Daddy, grinding his teeth, "that it's the next exit!"

He swerved to the side, missing Lily Potter and her son by a hair, giving me just enough time to stick my tongue out at him. I turned back around and began playing with my Baby's First Wand. They're available at Diagon Alley. And no, I was not paid to say that.

I saw this cute little raccoon attempting to cross the road wearing a Kiss the Chef shirt [no, thank you] and singing loudly.

"Wook! Coony!" I shouted at my parents.

They were too busy arguing to hear me,

"Wook!" I yelled louder "COONY!"

Daddy noticed and swerved just in time.

"Well, that was-OH MERLIN"S PANTS WE ARE DEAD!"

There was a muffled thump and suddenly we were flying through the air like some sort of crazed trapeze artist.

"Buckle up, Draco!" Mommy cried.

I looked around. There were no seat belts to be seen. Death Eaters aren't that big on safety. I hung on for dear life as we landed with a screech on the ground.

"My lord? My lord, are you all right?" screamed Daddy, running out of the car. I giggled and made sparks with Baby's First Wand.

Voldemort's To Do List

1: Kill Harry Potter.

2: Make everybody obey me

3: Check on Horcruxes

4: Get freaky mani-pedi CHECK!

5: Walk through blood with Nagini

6: Go on a picnic with Nagini

7: Get hair done with Nagini

8: Find Sirius's raccoon

9: Strangle it

10: Date with Bellawobbles

11: Make sure she doesn't find out about Nagini

12: Death Eater Meeting about elevator safety

13: Schedule Mr. Safety for the meeting

14: Find Order HQ

15: By Severus shampoo

16: Babysit for Narcissa

17: Check my family tree to make sure I'm not directly related to Bellawobbles

18: Plotting time in room CHECK!

19: Read a How-To Evil Guide by Gellert Grindlwauld

20: Kidnap and torture Ollivander for the best recipe for lemonade

21: Make sure no one reads this CHECK!

Jobs:

Wormtail: Secretary/Intern

Lucius: Evil cane go-to guy

Narcissa: Expert shopper

Draco: He's only one you idiots! Maybe Dumbledore killer…

Harry Potter: Arch nemesis

Severus: Expert latte maker

McNair: Chef

Bellawobbles: Evil girlfriend

Avery: Bird whisperer

Fenrir: Singer/Dog whisperer

Scabior: Funny dude with long hair

Me: Awesome cool spectacular fantastic sweet ruling evil venomous creepy scary terrifying horrible despicable [unfortunately half-blood] leader

Job Openings

Assistant Expert Latte Maker

Super Spy—better than James, James Bond

Cane Cleaner

Expert shopping bag holder

Expert baby-sitter

Not quite arch nemesis

Assistant Chef

To apply, write a paragraph describing your evilness and how it can be applied to your job.


	4. Chapter 4

**Intercepted Emails of Lord Voldemort**

**[And Friends]**

To:

From:

Other recipients: , , , ,

Mr. Snow,

I would like to know about your evil games [The Hunger Games] and how I can use them to my own advantages. You see, children from twelve to seventeen irk me. They have a tendency to try to destroy me. Not cool, man, not cool.

Worst Regards,

Lord Voldemort, soon to be supreme ruler of all that I see.

REPLY

Voldemort,

I am pleased that evil-doers like yourself have taken interest in my games. Have you taken complete control? If not, you may want to set your sights on doing that first. The Games are better if the families' hopes and dreams are already crushed and then you crush them _again_! Mwahahaha! [Sorry, that doesn't sound as impressive typed out like this] Are you planning on crushing dreams? I'm impressed! Why do you hate children so much? I know I do! I have to respect that in a man.

Worst Regards,

PRESIDANT Snow, ruler of all that I see

_Sent from my smartphone _

REPLY

President Snow,

I haven't taken complete control quite yet. I have to murder a baby first, than get destroyed for ten years, then attempt to come back, then wait two years, then attempt to come back again, then return, then wreak havoc for two years before I even have a chance. It's a process. Anyway, I'm working on it. Your mwahahaha might work better if you made a soundtrack than attached it to your emails. That works for me. I am planning on crushing dreams. I hate children because of the aforementioned baby that will destroy me. Curse you, Harry Potter!

Worst Regards,

LORD Voldemort

**Sorry for the short chapter! I'm busy with a few other stories and realized my manuscript was NOT as long as I thought it was… so, see you later!**


	5. Chapter 5

The Christmastime Death Eater meetings were always awkward. Being an evil organization during the happiest time of the year was very difficult. Do you have a staff party? Do you decorate? Do you even bother with a Secret Santa? Voldemort decided that this year they would do it all, even though none of them were experienced. That didn't stop the Dark Lord. Even the baddest society in the history of the world can have a good time. No one regretted this decision more then Peter Pettigrew, otherwise known as Wormtail the spy and the current DE intern. You see, he had gotten Voldemort as a Secret Santa. This came with many issues. Firstly, what do you get a Dark Lord for Christmas? Even generic presents like coffee mugs and scarves you know the new owner will never wear didn't work. Besides, he already had a row of Best Boss mugs from his birthday last year. Second, he could read minds. How are you supposed to surprise someone who can read your every thought?

All of these thoughts were running through Wormtail's mind as he walked back and forth in his room making marks on the carpet with his wand. This Christmas business, as well as his new double agent work was really all too much. Sometimes a guy's got to sit back and relax, so that's what he was doing on his bed when the doorbell rang.

_Must be the Girl Scout cookies I ordered _Wormtail thought, licking his lips at the thought of the delicious things. He could forget his diet for a little while, after all it was Christmas.

"The door's open!" he called.

The door was flung open to reveal, not a Girl Scout, but Sirius Black standing on the doorstep.

"Hey, Wormy! You haven't decorated at all," Sirius informed him, looking slightly disappointed. "More like my mother every day and let me tell you that is NOT a good thing."

"Padfoot," muttered Wormtail nervously, biting on the inside of his lip. Being a double agent really was hard.

Sirius didn't answer him, busy with making red and green streamers burst out of his wand to cover the room. Wormtail grimaced, but his friend didn't appear to notice. Sirius really got in the holiday spirit.

"Hey, Padfoot, let's play what would you get!"

Sirius frowned at the mention of a game he hadn't heard of.

"How do you play?"

"Well, you pick someone really weird and the other person has to tell you what they would get for that person. I'll go first. What would you get for You-Know-Who?"

Sirius gave a low whistle as he contemplated the question.

"I feel bad for the poor sap that has to do that. We should go to Diagon Alley and look. I've been awfully busy. Haven't been down there in the longest time!"

Bellatrix Lestrange had a problem. A very big problem. She had Voldemort for a Secret Santa. She didn't even like Christmas and it was going to be the death of her. How fair was that?

"Cissy, I need your help."

Narcissa looked up from her painting of a snake that she was planning to give to her Secret Santa.

"Oh come on, Bella, your Secret Santa can't be that bad!"

Bellatrix raised her eyebrows. She'd always loved a challenge, and considered her sister's statement a very good one.

"Oh yes? Voldemort, Cissy. VOLDEMORT!"

Narcissa winced and added the rest of the bow to her snake before standing up. She brushed her apron off, then took a handful of Floo Powder from the painted jar on the mantle. Bellatrix followed suit and the pair were in Diagon Alley in seconds.

"Oi, Wormtail!" cried Narcissa before Bellatrix could stop her.

"Way to go blow his cover!"

Peter wandered over looking miserable with Sirius Black in tow. He didn't look too happy to see his cousins.

"What are you doing here?" Narcissa asked curiously

"Shopping for my Secret Santa."

"Secret Santa? What do you mean, Secret Santa? I thought we were playing what would you get!"

Wormtail's eyes grew wide and he pulled Black away before any more damage could be done.

Lucius Malfoy was exhausted. He had combed Diagon Alley for six hours yesterday looking for a present for his Secret Santa. Why was it so difficult to get a present for Lord Voldemort? He already had a pet, he didn't like popular music, anything pretty he said mocked him. What do you buy for him? Lucius looked down at the vase that he'd gotten with his name on it. He hoped Voldemort wouldn't kill him.

It was Christmas Eve, and Voldemort had never been happier. In all of his years at Hogwarts he had never received a present. Hopefully the scheme he referred to as Operation Secret Santa would work. Sure enough, his guests began to arrive, every one of them staggering under the weight of their own heavy presents. Voldemort directed them to the steadily enlarging pile under the tree.

"Secret Santa time!" he called happily.

Everyone gathered around him, gossiping excitedly about this and that.

"The first present is for…me!"

The crowd of Death Eaters watched in utter astonishment as Voldemort opened every present in the Secret Santa, all of which were addressed to him. It didn't take them long to realize that they had been tricked into giving Voldemort two presents each, which amounted to about one hundred twenty one presents. In the pile were: a painting of a snake, a vase, a bouquet of dead flowers, a crown, a new pair of dress robes, six best boss mugs, a shiny red Ferrari, an automatic toothbrush, eight video games, nineteen packs of soap ["Are you trying to say something?"], reruns of every TV show under the sun, and an empty book that had My Evil Scheme Planning Guide written in fancy gold script on the front.

Needless to say, Voldemort was in a very good mood that night. The Death Eaters were not happy.


	6. Chapter 6

Greetings, fans of the Death Eaters. I am afraid Voldemort has found this story and is not very pleased with one of his newest interns for posting it online. Here, to the best of her ability, is what happened.

"Oh, they're going to love this!" Ryah cheered, typing furiously away at the laptop she had on her lap.

The other Death Eaters roaming about the Death Eater Library ignored her; this was normal behavior for her. Voldemort, however, had other ideas.

"Ignis!" he snapped.

"Yes, sir?" she asked, doing her best to hide the laptop behind her.

"What are you always writing about on that silly Muggle thing of yours?"

Ryah gulped and frantically searched on the keyboard behind her back for the delete button. Lucius Malfoy snuck up behind her and snatched the laptop away. His disdain at holding a Muggle object lasted for about half a second before he dropped it in horror.

"Bellawobbles?"

Bellatrix gave an angry shriek and tackled her brother in law, landing on the laptop. Ryah winced at the cracking noise it made. Voldemort turned to her.

"What. Did. You. Put. On. There?"

"Um….you know…stuff," she said nervously.

With that, Voldemort and the rest of the Death Eaters discovered fanfiction and the horrors that came with it. Since Ryah's laptop was broken, she was unable to post this until today using her best friends computer. When she escapes from Peter's broom closet, she will most certainly be posting again. Until then, have a fine day and don't drink butterbeer and drive.

On hiatus, Ryah Ignis


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello everyone! Sorry, this isn't an actual chapter. I'm still locked in Peter Pettigrew's broom closet, but that's all right. I bribed him into getting my laptop to me so I could write this. A new author to this site, Moe and Jack Snape, told me about a story she wrote and published here on fanfiction, and her newest chapter is going to include Moe Snape's 100 Ways To Annoy Lord Voldemort, which was mentioned in one of my earlier chapters. So go check that out. Whoa! Was that a toilet seat you just threw? Not the Order of the Phoenix hardcover ed- ouch! You know, that hurt! Okay, stop throwing stuff! Here's my Prison Journal for your amusment.**

Day One

Wormtail brought food. I wonder, is one of these brooms magical?

Day Two

Should have known. He couldn't fly a broom for the life of him.

Day Three

Maybe I can trick him into giving me a laptop.

Day Four

Aha! Kept his pet kitten prisoner until he gave me my laptop.

Day Five

Why does he even have a kitten? He turns into a rat for Merlin's sake!

Day Six

How long do you think I'll be in here?

Day Seven

I wonder how much it would cost to get Wifi in here.

Day Eight

Got Wifi! Lucius bought it for me after I stole his conditioner.

Day Nine

Got to write, got to write…


	8. Chapter 8

Ryah Ignis was done with the inside of Peter Pettigrew's broom cupboard. Really. She was done. It had begun to smell like a combination of rotten cheese (which she probably should have seen coming, given Peter's Animagus form) and gym socks and she wanted to get OUT!

Finally, her chance came. One day when Peter was gathering cleaning supplies so that he could polish the new statue that the Dark Lord had just ordered when she hit him over the head with a broom. (Sadly, it was of the non-flying variety.) Peter crumpled like a sack of dirty laundry that no one wants to claim.

Ryah escaped through the front doors after dodging several manticores that had run away from Fenrir's room and a couple of flying daggers. (It was exciting. You should read about it sometime.) Ryah Apperated to Hogwarts, seeing as she was no longer liked in the Death Eater Society. Since the author is too lazy to write about the ridiculously long walk all the way up to the castle since the thestrals had revolted that spring, let's just assume that she Apperated directly to Dumbledore's office.

"PROFESSOR DUMBLDORE!" she screamed, using far too many capitalized letters, reminiscent of Snape when he gets extremely angry.

"Miss Ignis? Is it homecoming already?" Dumbledore asked, obviously surprised that one of his former students was back at school.

"Didn't you join the Death Eaters?" asked Slughorn, who was mysteriously sitting in the chair in front of Dumbledore's desk and inexplicably eating a box of crystalized pineapple because that's all he ever does.

"NO!" Ryah said. "Er, yes, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I've had a complete change of heart and you should all trust me."

"Well," said Dumbledore, wisely stroking his beard and in deep thought, "since I'm a complete buffoon that trusts anything and anyone, I suppose I trust you. But first, I have a couple of questions to ask you. Are you, or are any of your family members a Mary-Sue or Gary-Stu?"

Ryah thought about it for a moment. "If you mean by Mary-Sue blatant self insert, then yes. However, I am not a Regular Sue."

"Oh, well that's a relief," said Dumbledore, thinking back to the horrific incident that had cumulated in James being chased around by the Sue while screaming: "I don't love you, I love Lily!"

Yes, that had been funny. Resurfacing from his reverie, he saw a very happy looking Miss Ignis standing in front of him.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou! You know, your system for choosing new employees is a heck of a lot less complicated then Voldemort's."

**Yes it's short. Yes it's late. But for someone who's *supposed* to be on hiatus, that's pretty good. Besides, how could I not listen the demands of my reviewers? **


End file.
